I had a long talk with Ann today about my reluctance to get out in public. I'm starting to focus on that as something I need to work on. She didn't say anything she hasn't said before on the subject, but it's nice to have another woman friend to bounce things off of.

Just the two of us were in the office today. Lana's finishing her vacation and will return Monday. I knew there wasn't going to be much work to do, but I wanted to to go in anyway.

Ann picked up some food on the way back from running a couple of errands, and we sat and ate and talked some more. I told her I wanted to challenge myself on the way home but probably wouldn't. She suggested I go to the wine store with her, but I didn't want to stay until she left at five o'clock. I'm sure there will be other offers, now that she knows I'm trying.

I did need to pick something up at the grocery store - and rather than to go home and change first, I resolved to give it a try the way I was dressed. Remembering how long I dithered before I finally went in last time, I decided to try a different location. It still took longer than it should to get up the nerve, but I accomplished the mission. The young lady at the register stared quite a bit. I don't often encounter that, but it didn't bother me. The more people see me in public surroundings, the easier it may become for the next person like me.

Sure...it sounds silly for me even to talk about this, because I've been working as Kay for a long time. One might think I could walk into any situation easily now. But that's not the case.

I did a little more acclimating on the way home. I spent some time on a couple of benches near one of the busy retail areas. Then I went to a health food store. Again, I needed time before I took the plunge.

I wanted to get some multivitamins because I've suffered occasional early morning cramps in one of my calves lately. As I was looking around, a Hispanic lady came up and asked, "Do you need some help, mami?". When I told her what I wanted, she reached for a bottle and said, "These are the best." I thanked her, and she walked away. Then, I saw the label: Women's Formula.

I'd consider that to be a successful encounter.

Some weeks ago, I bemoaned the fact that I was getting nowhere selling a car, the house and my share of a small company.

The car - a 1962 Studebaker Gran Turismo Hawk - is now in the hands of a Los Angeles firefighter. He stays in touch, telling me all he's done and plans to do to restore it. He's very happy with his purchase.

Yesterday, I came to terms with my partner. I found a way to spare him any expense out-of-pocket, because getting the funds is proving to be more difficult than he thought. Instead, I'll cede my thirty per cent ownership to him in return for a consulting contract guaranteeing me a weekly income for two years equal to three-fourths of what I'm taking home now. The other one-fourth will accrue and be payable to me at any time during that two-year period.

This arrangement costs the business less on a weekly basis than if I were still involved, and it places the obligation on the company instead of on him personally. Additional savings will come from not having to pay for and connect to a remote server so more than one person can access the bookkeeping software.

The key to all this is giving my partner control by making him majority owner. His frustration with the status quo has recently caused him to consider leaving the company, and he is the technical person who makes it all work. If he left, I would lose both my income and my equity, because the business would fold in short order.

I feel very good about this resolution, because he and I are friends and he'll be making changes that will cut costs and increase profit. The other partner, who has been serving as General Manager, is not innovative and tends to react to crises rather than to act to prevent them. And I'm comfortable playing the role of consultant.

Now, I'll focus even more on trying to get the third task accomplished.

One item of note regarding the topic of this blog:

I've contacted my friend Susan and asked her whether she knows of a group of women who might be open-minded enough to help me become more accustomed to being in public situations. She's getting ready to leave on a trip but told me to be sure to remind her when she gets back on the 29th. As supportive of me as she is, I'm sure she'll come up with something.

George and I were talking, just now.

I had just watched him in the yard, walking around as best he can - soldiering on despite the growth on his front leg, which is bigger now and causes him to not to want to put weight on it.

He's declining, even as he gets shows improvement. He can get to his feet better, but his hind end is drooping more.

A sudden gust of wind came up, as a thunderstorm approached. He stood there, sniffing the air, as erect as he can make himself. What a magnificent animal. My heart sank at the sight. He'll never again be his old self.

When he came inside and settled into place, I lay close and gave him a big hug. He leaned in, as he always does. He loves hugs. I stroked his big head and told him what a wonderful addition he was to our family. The guy's done nothing but try to please us since he got here. I said I'm very sorry he's sick and I wish I could make it better.

I promised I'd never let him lose his dignity. He looked at me and gave my nose a big, slobbery lick.

And then I came in here and cried. I'm still bawling as I write this.

It's not a matter of "if" anymore. The die is cast. It's "when".

I have about another hour before I'll leave the office. I'm just covering the phones until Ann gets back from a banking errand.

Today was unusual, in that I was here by myself almost the whole time. She brought back lunch for two of us, and we talked as we ate together, but now she's gone again.

There were a couple of walk-ins, and I dealt with them without a problem. One guy was a little seedy and hung around longer than seemed appropriate, so thoughts of personal safety did cross my mind - though anyone who tries to take advantage of me is in for an unpleasant surprise.

As usual, people who are calling identify me as male. That's despite the fact that my voice is not particularly deep and I'm careful to soften it. They probably assume I'm just somewhat effeminate. But in person, no one betrays even a suspicion that I am something other than a fifty-ish woman I present myself as being.

I'm aware again of my reluctance to step out of my comfort zone. Although I feel very good about the way I look today, I'm avoiding yet another opportunity to try my wings in public. I had briefly considered stopping at the grocery store on the way home. There's no reason not to do it. I've done so before without having any problems - even before I gained all this confidence from volunteering. So why can't I make myself get out there among people more often now?

POSTSCRIPT: Having no answer to the question I posed to myself, I screwed up the courage to leap over that hurdle. And, as in the past, everything was fine. The words of my friend Susan come back again to haunt me: "What do you think is going to happen?".

Everyone has to buy food, so there's always a cross-section of the populace milling through the aisles. And, as far as I could tell, no one glanced at me twice. If I were noticeably nervous, I would surely attract attention. But I'm quite accustomed to looking like this now.

I even made small talk with the woman handing out panini samples.

I'll be going to the office tomorrow and again next Friday (possibly Thursday as well).

Things will be quieter than usual, with Lana on vacation. Ann has a meeting in the morning, so I'll be working alone for a while. That's not a problem, except for the probability that I won't be able to answer a lot of the questions people ask on the phone. I'm just not there often enough.

Action on the house has picked up a bit. I showed it to a man on Sunday, and a Realtor brought a couple by yesterday. There was another call this morning, but I missed it because my cell phone decided to turn off its own transmitters. It does that sometimes, so I have to remember to check. My messages arrived five hours late.

I've made an offer to my partner in the business - one that gives us both what we want. He's thinking about it.

I just applied for membership in a Yahoo group that consists of local women who get together for a wide variety of activities. They group themselves by age. I was forthright about who I am, and I doubt I will be accepted, but it's worth a try. I need to be pushed into public. By myself, it's too easy just not to try.