Every so often, I find myself stepping back to comment on some change I've undergone.

It occurred to me today that last night I felt strongly the need to dress as Kay in order not to disappoint the people with whom I work. That's the diametric opposite of my desire not to reveal Kay to those friends and relatives whose relationships with me might be put at risk.

So, once again, I find myself trying to please others. In a public situation such as that, it's possible that I might encounter members of both groups. And I cannot make everyone happy.

What I learned at the concert is that I'm becoming much less concerned about the people who don't know Kay. Afterward, I was moving around in a very large crowd, and I soon stopped thinking about who might be there or even who might be staring at me. I had helped prepare for the event, I knew many who were working to make it successful, and I felt very much a part of it all. I'm liked and I'm appreciated.

It's another small step out of the comfort zone, and I think it's a very healthy one.

We just returned from the concert. "We". My wife attended her first event with Kay tonight.

It was uneventful in the sense that there were no problems. We just enjoyed the experience as any two people would. On the way in, she had to remind me to drop my shoulders. They seem to go up when I'm tense. I was worried until I had a chance to scan the crowd, but she told me later that she wasn't at all nervous.

A surprising number of people greeted me by name. Some I didn't recognize, but I guess I must have met them in the office. I had a chance to introduce my wife to Pat, and we stopped and talked to Lana. Pat told me I looked beautiful, which was very nice to hear.

We'll be doing this three more times. The fourth upcoming performance is by the Boston Pops, and they'll draw a more general audience. I don't think I want to risk encountering someone who doesn't know me as Kay, so I'll dress otherwise that night and try to avoid my friends from the organization so I don't spoil the illusion.

One more pet-sitting visit tonight, and then I'll hit the sack. Tomorrow's another intense day of working with company finances.

Sure enough, Friday was more intense than Thursday.

When Pat worked there, she'd start preparations earlier and make sure that the final few days before the concert were free to handle any last minute crises.

We were busy all day without a break. Because of the people involved, though, there was no stress - just everyone working together in good humor to get things accomplished. At one point, Lana looked at me and said, "I'm going to Korea".

I started to hit a wall around three o'clock. My wife and I are pet-sitting for friends through Monday, and I've been leaving the house at six-thirty each morning for that. There's a late-night visit, too. That and the stress of working on my company's needs seem to be taking an extra toll this week.

As I was trying to get a second wind, the orchestra management office called to confirm that we had arranged for there to be a celesta on stage. A what? None of us knew what it was. Sure enough - the request was there, buried in the contract's addenda. It had been overlooked.

One definition of "celesta" is something that's extremely hard to locate on a Friday afternoon. The other definition (arguably more accepted) is a musical instrument played with a keyboard that sounds like a glockenspiel (Think "Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy" from "The Nutcracker"). Reportedly, there is one here in town. It's privately-owned and is supposed to be at the theatre where the orchestra will be performing. But that fact had not been confirmed when I left at five o'clock yesterday.

The performance is tomorrow night, and I'm looking forward to seeing the results of all our efforts.

Today - the last Thursday before the first concert - was very busy. There's so much to be done in the few days prior to the event and the various VIP parties and such that surround it.

Pat, the retired office manager, has been coming in since Tuesday to help. She's done this for years and is very organized. I like her a lot and wish I could have worked in the office while she was still employed. She never fails to give me a hug when I first see her, and we banter back and forth the whole time she's there.

I did whatever work was given to me, and it never let up. I've never seen so much activity there. People were in and out all day long. I lost count of the number I met for the first time. Everyone was very friendly, and so many know me by name. I must be the topic of quite a few conversations. And that's okay, because I've given no one a reason to say anything other than good things about me.

After Sunday's performance, there are no more until the two in January.

Lana got her hair cut and looks very different. Being busy probably helps a little to keep her mind off of Jim being gone.

I have to say again that I marvel at Ann's ability to keep a cool head in the middle of that much stress. She was just as calm as usual and joking with us all day.

I'm a little tired, but it feels good to have been able to help.

Tomorrow may be even busier.

Sunday, November 2, is the first orchestral concert of the series being sponsored by the organization where I volunteer.

I have two free tickets, and my wife and I are planning to go. There's a minor conflict with a pet-sitting obligation, but we can work around that.

This will be my first event as Kay that I won't be attending alone. So we could encounter someone who knows us both. I think the chances are slim, given that the orchestra is not particularly well-known and ticket sales have been slow. I'm not going to let that minor concern affect how I present myself.

I can't imagine dressing otherwise, in fact, because so many people involved know me quite well now. The office staff, other volunteers and board members all accept me without question.

As a volunteer, I have a pass that authorizes parking in the VIP lot, so we won't have far to walk. I've been to that venue many times and know my way around. I'm sure I'll be nervous at first, but the familiarity of the surroundings will help me to calm down quickly.

Some of the older patrons have the reputation of being quite stuffy and snobbish about these performances. There are letters on file complaining about others who made noise or didn't dress well enough.

I'll have to stifle my impulse to sneak in some popcorn and lob it out of the balcony after the lights go down.

Bad Kay! Bad!