I'm a few weeks away from my March 17 appointment with a mental health professional. Although I'm suffering serious mood swings, I take comfort from knowing that some sort of resolution is in sight.

There's anecdotal evidence that policy now requires the VA doctors to prescribe hormones for their transgendered patients. That would be quite a step forward - and a tribute to the activists who have worked so hard to attain such goals.

I haven't felt deprived by needing to purchase my medication from an outside source with no prescription. But I've presumed all along that my best educated guess as to dosage was sufficient over the long term, and I could be wrong about that.

Although my goal was not to embark upon a program of supervised treatment, maybe the stars have aligned in such a way that I am now headed in that direction. It would be pointless to seek help for depression without being forthcoming in regard to one of the possible causes. I plan to hold nothing back, and if I'm offered a plan for transition, I'll take it.

That's right. I'm now open to the concept of moving forward. It may not mean a major change in lifestyle, but at the very least I may be setting a course for more physical and mental changes brought on by a physician-directed hormone/anti-androgen regimen. Treatment would most likely be in the women's clinic, and I would present myself as female.

It's all speculation at this point. I imagine there will be a gatekeeper mentality on the part of the counselor, which I would consider to be appropriate. But if anyone could make the case for being in a transgendered state, I think I am an excellent candidate to do so.

I just called to get an appointment with a mental health specialist at our local Veterans Administration Medical Center. I'll be receiving a notice in the mail to confirm a date and time.

Citing "depression" as the primary symptom, I intend to lay out my entire story and see what avenues of treatment may be open to me. That could mean anything from a simple medication to ongoing attention to my gender issue. In any event, I'll feel better for having involved a professional instead of trying to carry the weight alone.

I have a wooden plaque here on my desk - a small gift from my wife last year. It says, "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all." She and I talked a bit last night. It wasn't any heavy discussion...just some things I wanted to say about how much she means to me.

Whenever she sees that I'm down, she tries to help. I couldn't ask for anyone more understanding, but there are aspects of being like me that no one who has not questioned his or her own gender could ever really grasp. That immutable fact can create a distance between us that troubles her. So it's important to let her know that no matter where my mind is at any given moment, it's never far from her.

One thing I know about myself (and must make her believe, as well) is that I have a strong enough life force that I will never give up. I may rail, rage, sulk or simmer, but I'll always keep trying to fight my way out of whatever corner life tries to put me into.

Yesterday, I had a chance to correspond with my gal pal Susan at RSVP. The ballet might need my help, and she asked if I'd want to go back. I touched on how I'm feeling these days, and of course I got a torrent of support from her. She's especially big on being yourself no matter what people think, so I can always count on her for a swift kick if I need one.

I'm confident that seeking help to fight depression is a wise move at this stage of my life. As my wife said, our fundamentals are all good. It's only the extraneous things that are problematic, and they will resolve themselves in due time. There's no real reason for me to be down as much as I am.

Maybe it's just my current state of mind. There's certainly a general weariness and frustration, if not borderline depression.

No matter what the cause...in the cold light of morning, I'm feeling defeated. I think that the forces of ignorance and hate may have won this battle. I'm losing my will to fight.

Being myself is right for me. But it's seen as wrong by the vast majority of other people, and I don't envision that changing any time soon. In fact, I believe that the mood of this country will turn more conservative in the coming years.

Do I go on tilting at windmills? Do I continue to complicate my life and the lives of those around me, just to prove a point? Yes, I'm transgendered. Do I need to make others aware of that fact, when I could just as easily keep it secret?

There's no doubt that I've been affected by the public's strong negative reaction to any news article about gender dysphoria. It weighs heavily on my mind that I'm doing something that provokes so much vitriol. I have no power to change their attitudes. All I can do is try to live my life, but that is precisely what angers them.

I need to think more about this. It's not a problem that can be solved or a question that has an easy answer. There are only adjustments and compromises to be made, and what those might be is entirely up to me to decide.

I was feeling apprehensive all day about the meetup tonight.

It wasn't fear. I've overcome that. No, something else happens when I haven't been in public for a while...or even volunteered. I start to lose confidence.

I see myself as unable to be convincing - as someone who's obviously in a costume but expects to be taken seriously. I begin to wonder why I should put myself in that position.

There would be six people there whom I have not yet met. In that regard, it's no different from the first meeting I attended. But I'm just not motivated right now to present myself to any more strangers.

So I notified Lila on very short notice that I had to change my plans...using the excuse that I've developed a bad cold and am probably contagious. That's not far from the truth. I don't feel very well, and I'm harboring some sort of virus.

I know this is all very complicated. But the essence of it is clear. For whatever reason, I believed very strongly that I should not go this time. And I decided to follow my intuition and cancel.

This will be a monthly event, so I'll have other opportunities to participate.

Before I got this computer last year, my old one had begun refusing to recognize anything other than its own hard drive. CD and DVD recorders, whether internal or external, simply did not - according to its cybermind - exist.

The person to whom I go for solutions to problems such as this told me that the symptom was an indication of its imminent demise. What I was seeing was its way of conserving what dwindling resources remained and using them for only the most fundamental of functions.

That explanation made perfect sense to me. What I don't understand is why it took so many months for me to realize that I'm doing the exact same thing.

In a few days, I'll have another chance to be in a pleasant social environment where I'll be welcomed without bias or prejudice. My wife will be with me. It's the culmination of all I've worked to achieve since I first stepped out as Kay.

But my mind is putting the brakes on again. It's telling me that anything peripheral to the important problems I'm facing is frivolous and self-indulgent. I'm failing to devote all of my thoughts and energy to what needs to be done and instead am selfishly focusing on something that doesn't matter. And the process of presenting different faces to various people seems odd and pointless.

I'll ignore all that, of course. I've learned how important this aspect of my life is to my general well-being, and I'll never again try to live without it.

However, I recognize that there's a defense mechanism at work here. I'm getting a message that ongoing stress levels are too high and there's a need to relieve some pressure ("She's gonna blow, Cap'n!"). The brain can't handle all of it with efficiency, so it's trying to prioritize. Activities and interests that once seemed important are moved farther down the list - to be dealt with only when we're again up to full power. In this situation, there's no room for "fun".

When a person is stoic by nature, there's little resistance to this thought process. It seems to be the natural course of things, and there's a certain satisfaction in being capable of denying one's self pleasure for what's perceived as the greater good.

As I dedicate all my mental strength to resolving the difficulties that are dominating my life, I can think only in terms of being able to enjoy the pleasurable aspects as well "someday".

At the same time, though, I understand all too well that we are not guaranteed any "somedays".