Whatever I had has pretty much passed. I still feel it a little, but at least my balance is okay now. My guess is it's some kind of virus and has to run its course.

I don't like being sick when there are things to do. Well...who does, really? But I'm very hard on myself. Two things I'm especially self-critical of are wasting time and lethargy. I can't let down for more than a few minutes without thinking of something I should be accomplishing.

Even on those rare occasions when fatigue leads me to nap, I'm up again in less than half an hour. And "sleeping in" is a foreign concept to me.

Why the urgency? Is this something that comes with age - a need to get things done as you become more aware of the dwindling of time?

That can't be so. There are countless people my age enjoying their retirement, filling their lives with leisure activities. I don't have that option. I still need to earn as much as I can for as long as I can.

Like others, I've grown pessimistic about many aspects of the economy. I feel that things will get worse before they get better. For me, there will be no letting up, no relaxing.

I know I'm lucky to have what I have, but I know I'll need to keep working hard not to lose it. For my wife's sake, I just hope to hang onto the house and my life insurance.

We all have a long struggle ahead of us, I'm afraid.

It's a good thing I planned not to go in tomorrow.

Something hit me hard today. I don't think it's the flu, because I don't have the typical general fatigue. And I did have my shot in October. But some of the symptoms are similar.

My upper leg muscles are so weak that I'm having to carry a cane to steady myself if they start to buckle. My upper arm muscles feel the same way. My face feels drained and I've had a bit of a headache all afternoon (very unusual for me). Every once in a while, I get some sinus drainage, sneezing or runny nose - but not much.

Sitting and lying down don't present as much of a problem, but walking is difficult because after I'm horizontal for a while I have a problem with equilibrium when I stand up. It's as if I'm trying to maintain balance on the deck of a ship. So whatever has taken hold is affecting my inner ear.

I'm going to crawl into bed and see if a night's rest and some aspirin will help to knock this out of me.

These are dangerous times.

It's too easy for me to get involved with other activities and skip my volunteering. Things are quiet at the office, and Ann left it up to me whether I go in or not.

After missing the last two weeks, I thought I'd be anxious to get back to it. But now I'm getting more wrapped up in recording. My partner, who has decades of studio production experience, is sending tutorial emails to me...and I'm anxious to experiment and learn more.

This is where I have to take stock of myself and remember that the volunteer job serves an important purpose. Not to continue with it is to risk depression.

Being transsexual is not something I can simply set aside. I'll always have to make room in my life for the vindication I need as Kay. And that won't come unless I work for it.

So...I'm making the choice not to go this week unless Ann suddenly wants my help. Because of the approaching holiday period, I may not be of any particular use for the rest of December. And that's okay. There are other things I can do.

But I remain committed to returning to a regular schedule after the first of the year.

With two orchestras coming in January, they'll be getting very busy.

UPDATE: Ann just sent me an email saying I have to come in next week because they have a gift for me.

Having spent a couple of days with my partner in Utah, I'm more convinced than ever that I need to shed my interest in the local company and concentrate on making and promoting music.

Among other benefits, I'd have more free time and wouldn't have the stress of being on call to solve problems. My life would become more consistent, and I'd be able to volunteer whenever I liked.

Most importantly, though, I'd be able to follow my passion. After spending twelve years doing something I don't enjoy just to keep money flowing, I could concentrate on being creative. Although I have other skills, I'm most at home in a production studio bringing ideas to life.

And, at long last, I could escape the dichotomy of living at two gender extremes. The only people in my life for whom I need to present a somewhat macho image are my company co-owners. I don't socialize with them and would have no reason to see them again after my ownership has ended.

Thursday, I'll return to the office after a long absence. My urge now is to identify those things that are causing me stress and resolve them. I want to calm down, to soften, to get back to being Kay. I feel like taking a hot bath and relaxing.

Although I did enjoy getting away, it wasn't a vacation in the sense that I was able to unwind. We were talking and planning almost the whole time, and I even got a call from one of my partners here about something I had no control over. So I'm still somewhat fatigued. My friend and several members of his family were fighting cold symptoms, and I've picked up something from one of them.

This weekend, I'll concentrate on spending time with my wife and trying to get my strength back.

I can't be tired. There's too much to look forward to!

I'm going to add this wording to my songwriter bio: "...spent some time in Nashville, but soon moved on to receive an enthusiastic welcome in Las Vegas...".

They're only the stops on my trip to Utah tomorrow...but doesn't that sound impressive?

My friend and partner is going to meet me at the airport, and we'll drive 120 miles from there to his home in St. George. I offered to rent a car, but he insisted on picking me up.

I'm a nervous wreck. I'll be fine when I'm on the plane, but right now I can't shake the feeling that there's going to be some crisis involving either my company or my house. I'm not used to being out of town and not on top of things.

I know I should turn my phone off while I'm away. My wife has my friend's number. But I'd still worry that people are calling and leaving me urgent voice mail messages. It's better to know than to imagine, I guess.

This man I'm going to see is two years younger than I am. We met in Korea in the late sixties, where I helped him produce and played guitar on an album with a group of orphan girls as a charity project. We toured the country together by bus, performing at military bases to raise money for the orphanage. The proceeds from the album helped start a foundation that ultimately found homes for some 600 children. He then spent forty years as a music producer in Los Angeles and Nashville.

We'll be both reminiscing and working out the details of our new joint venture.